Economy of the Heart
by BlueWater5
Summary: A potion carefully brewed on Halloween opens the Veil between the living and the dead. What will Lily say to Harry and Severus?


_Forgiveness is the economy of the heart. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits. - Hannah More_

For the first time in many years, Severus Snape looked forward to Samhain. The muggle custom of celebrating Halloween with sweets and costumes would be followed in the Great Hall, but he would take advantage of the night when the Veil between the living and the dead was weakest to finally achieve what he had been trying to do since the end of the first war against the Death Eaters. The Veil would be particularly transparent to those who had died on Samhain as the anniversary of a death always brought the departed closer to the living no matter when it was. His prior potions thus far had failed, but this year he could feel in his bones that he had the right formula.

It was a shame that his previous experiments had resulted in him losing a half dozen of his treasured mementos from the one truly happy time of his life. However, he thought philosophically, perhaps if he hadn't then he wouldn't realize that to succeed he had to sacrifice his most prized, as well as most secret, possession. It was a note written in a childish scrawl. The note itself was not particularly noteworthy except to him, just a promise to meet him at the neighborhood playground after school. It was signed, however, with a small heart and "Luv, Lily."

Severus knew Lily had not meant the sign off in any romantic way; it was just the way pre-teen girls closed letters. Nonetheless, it brought back memories of the few times when his days were full of hope.

When the potion was completed just at midnight, Lily's apparition would appear. He didn't know how long she would be able to stay, but it would have to be long enough. He had a speech carefully planned out. She would be persuaded by his logic as well as by his heartfelt emotion. She would see she had made a foolish mistake by rejecting him. She would be so moved that she would promise to wait for him.

He knew he did not have much longer in this world. The war was rapidly building to a climax. One side or the other would kill him. He had promised Dumbledore that he would do the unimaginable to keep his position as the Dark Lord's right hand man in order to protect the students of Hogwarts, but that did not protect him against Death Eaters who sought to displace him. Nor did it protect him from those in the Ministry or the Order who would see him as a traitor.

He was bone weary, and looked forward to the end. Knowing that Lily would leave that detestable Potter's side in the afterlife once he had passed beyond the Veil himself, he could stoically face what lay ahead. All he had to do was wait until midnight.

By the time the Halloween feast ended, the lights in the pumpkins floating above their heads had faded slightly. The number of bats flying around had been reduced to a handful as the rest made their way outside to hunt. The house elves had already removed the serving plates, but the tables were covered with detritus of the meal. On the floor, a few pieces of silverware and the splotches of crushed cake and torn candy wrappers marked the spot of an overeager or clumsy student.

Harry left the Great Hall with his friends. Ron rubbed his belly. "That was wonderful. Best meal of the year."

"As good as your mum's?" asked Harry in a teasing voice.

Ron looked quickly around to make sure his no one could overhear. "Well, mum tends to overcook the meat sometimes when she gets busy. It's still good when slathered with gravy – not that I'm complaining," he rushed to add.

Hermione raised her eyebrows. "Have you ever thought to learn your way in the kitchen so you can help her?"

"Me?" He gave Hermione a sly look. "That's a woman's place! Ow!" he added as an elbow connected into his rib. "What was that for?"

The friendly bickering continued all the way to the entrance of Gryffindor Tower. The Fat Lady looked up from her position on a settee, annoyed at having been disturbed. "There always has to be one last group," she grumbled. "Password?"

Hermione cocked her head. "Wouldn't there always have to be a last group? Luxurious mane."

"Don't be a smart aleck, girl. I'll have you know I've been waiting here for you when I could be practicing my aria in the painting of the opera hall on the fourth floor," the Fat Lady sniffed.

"But isn't it your job to guard our door?" asked Harry in curiosity.

The Fat Lady raised her chin in annoyance, but the door swung open. As she did, a ginger blur ran out and down the stairs and around a corner.

"Oh no, Crookshanks!" Hermione moaned. "Come on, we need to catch him! Any other night he can be out, but you remember what the Headmaster said about keeping our familiars in our Houses tonight." She turned away. "Accio …"

Ron pushed down her arm. "Don't! You might slam him into a wall! Wait until you have a clear line of vision."

Hermione shook her head. "I don't know what I was thinking. Thanks, Ron." She began to run down the stairs after her half kneazle. Harry and Ron looked at each other, shrugged, and turned as well.

"Don't expect me to stay here all night just for you!" the Fat Lady yelled after them.

Back in the Great Hall, with the last of the students gone, Severus stood up to leave as well. He was looking forward to making the last preparations for his potion and finally realizing his dream. He found his way stopped when the Headmaster put his arm around his shoulder. "My boy, I feel I've been negligent. I always let you go from the feast to your room to brood. Tonight I insist you come with me and join the rest of the teachers in the Staff Lounge."

Snape shrugged slightly to break away. "I'm afraid I have an important potion brewing and must send my regrets," he responded.

Albus gently took his arm with his good hand. "I know the infirmary is fully stocked, Severus. You haven't told me of anything you're working on for Tom at the moment. If I didn't know better, I'd think you're just looking for an excuse not to join us. Please, come with me. You'll need to have these memories to sustain you in the days to come."

Severus knew the Headmaster would not approve of the potion in his lab. He did a quick calculation in his head. He could join the staff for three quarters of an hour, long enough to be noticed by everyone, and then depart unseen. "Of course, Headmaster."

Albus smiled. "Thank you, Severus. I know this day is not easy for you, but sorrows shared are sorrows halved."

_But no one else is in mourning this day_, Snape thought to himself as he allowed himself to be led out. _Only I remember the cost_.

While the Headmaster and the Potions Master were making their way to the staff lounge, Harry and his friends had turned a corner only to come to an intersection of corridors. They could not see which way Crookshanks had gone.

"Oh, no!" Hermione wailed. "We've lost him! Where is he?"

Ron took her hand. "Don't worry, we'll find him. Let's split up and each take a different hallway."

Harry nodded. "To the left is the way to the dungeons. I'll take that. Do you have your DA galleons with you?" They nodded. "We'll stay in touch that way."

"I'll continue straight," Ron offered.

"Thank you, both," replied Hermione. "If you don't find him soon, though, we'd better head back to the Tower. It's already past curfew and I don't want you to get into any trouble." She took a deep breath. "He'll be OK," she said, trying to convince herself.

Harry cast a Lumos as he headed down another set of stairs.

At a quarter to midnight, Snape began to sidle out of the Staff Lounge. Unfortunately, as he was about to make his escape, Professor Sprout approached. "I've heard good things about Defense this year from my Badgers," she said with a warm smile. "Perhaps Albus should have moved you into that position years ago."

Snape, uncomfortable with praise, nodded. "Thank you, Pomona." Unfortunately, the Herbology professor was in a talkative mood. After a few minutes of desultory conversation, he looked for a way to divert her so he could exit inconspicuously. "Did you ever tell Horace about that Puffapod you have that's in bloom? He might be able to use it in one of his classes."

"Oh - I forgot to mention it to him at the feast! Will you excuse me?" At Severus' nod she started to make her way across the room.

As soon as he was out the door, Snape began to move at a quick pace down the corridor. Blast it! Now he would be rushed. When he got to his private lab he was in such a hurry to add the last ingredients that he neglected to latch the door or ward it shut.

Harry saw the ginger half kneazle sitting placidly in the hallway nonchalantly licking his left paw. He quickly let the others know he'd found the cat using the DA galleon, telling them to go back to the Tower. He approached Crookshanks slowly so as not to startle the half kneazle. "That's a good boy," he muttered under his breath. When Crookshanks allowed himself to be picked up, he breathed a sigh of relief. The cat purred, rubbing his squashed head against Harry's shoulder. "Come on, let's get you back to the Tower."

Crookshanks started to knead Harry's upper arm. The claws were sharp, and Harry reflexively stepped back while holding on tight to the cat. He found himself flailing as the wall behind him seemed to give way.

Severus finished adding the letter with Lily's name on it as the school bell began to toll midnight. To his great disappointment, the potion remained a soft coral. "No!" he cried in despair. It should have worked this time. He had sacrificed his treasured note for nothing. He had made a copy, but that could never replace the original. Now he had nothing left to offer; his last chance to connect with his love had failed.

He looked up as the door to the lab suddenly opened and Harry stumbled in backwards.

"Potter!" Snape growled.

Floundering, Harry lost his balance. As he fell, he lost his grip on Crookshanks, who jumped with a howl of protest onto the table near the cauldron. The cat shook himself, and a bit of shed ginger fur fell into the potion. Snape shot a weak stinging hex at the half kneazle to shoo him away from the flame. Crookshanks hissed, jumped off the table, and ran past Harry out the door as the twelfth gong sounded.

The potion began to bubble, turning vermillion in color. A soft, dark red mist began to rise over the cauldron, spinning faster and faster. It began to coalesce, becoming more solid. To Snape's ecstatic astonishment, the long sought-after figure emerged from the mist. "Lily!" Severus whispered.

Lily, however, was facing the door. "Harry!" she cried with joy.

Harry rose slowly off the floor in disbelief. "Mum?" he asked hesitantly.

"Lily!" Severus said more loudly.

The apparition, more solid than a ghost, glanced at him. "Sev, is this your doing?"

Severus nodded. "I had to let you know that you were right. I was wrong, and …"

Lily smiled gratefully. "Thank you, Severus." She turned back to her son. She took a ghostly step onto the table and then floated to the floor. "Harry, I don't know how long I have here, but I need to tell you how proud I am of you and how much I love you."

Harry was so stunned he could do little more than stand, gaping at the sight. "Mum?" he finally got out. "How did you get here?" He slowly reached out a hand, and to his surprise instead of easily passing through the apparition, it felt like he was pushing into an area of much denser air. His mother reached out, and Harry felt a warm pressure on his cheek from a hand that became more solid with each passing moment. "Oh, my dear son!" she exclaimed. "Harry!" She tenderly reached around to give him a hug.

"Sev, thank you again for this gift. How long do I have?" Lily was nearly solid.  
The Potions Master felt torn. He cursed Harry in his head for ruining this chance to talk with Lily, but it seemed at the same time that Lily was truly grateful to him and perhaps he could use that to his advantage. He shook himself. This was not how he expected the evening to go and he had to make the most of the time. "Not long, unfortunately. The Veil between the living and the dead has already started to become less penetrable. Please, Lily, I need to talk with you."

Lily kept her hold tight on Harry, who was still speechless. "Of course, Sev, but first I must take the opportunity to talk with my son."

Severus closed his eyes and carefully put down the pewter cauldron stirrer. He should have known that his plan would not work. Nothing he touched ever worked out as he'd hoped. He was fated to fail. He blindly reached for the stool behind him and sat down heavily. Of course Potter would benefit from his years of research, his sacrifice of the only thing he had that he truly treasured. He wondered why he had bothered.

Harry had finally recovered from his shock. "Mum, I wish so much that you and Dad were here."

"I know, my son. I wish I could be here with you, but I am so, so grateful that you have found friends and a home here at Hogwarts. I have not regretted for one second what I did to keep you safe."

Harry found his eyes beginning to water. "I would give anything if things were different."

"Oh, Harry, I would too. It hurts me to see you struggle and not be able to help."

"Do you know they expect me to kill Voldemort?" Harry said softly. "Mum, he's almost as powerful as Dumbledore! If he can't do it, how can I? Mum, I'm scared."

In response, Lily hugged her son more tightly. "I have confidence in you, Harry. You're brave, and intelligent, and cunning, and have the help of many others. Don't try to do it alone, son. Let others do what they can. You will succeed, I know you will, and then you will go on to have a long life with a family of your own. You have to believe in yourself."

Harry, overcome with emotion from this unexpected encounter, buried his head against his mother's shoulder and began to softly weep a combination of tears of joy with tears of long hidden fears coming to the surface.

"Hush, my child." Lily gently rubbed his back and hugged her son even tighter. As she did, she realized she was slightly less solid than before. She turned to the Potions Master, cupped her ear, and made a circling motion around Harry's head with her free hand.

Snape cast a targeted Muffliato around the boy.

"Severus," she said softly, "I know I don't have much longer here. You said you needed to talk with me?"

Snape didn't pause. He didn't have the time to give his carefully prepared speech, but he could summarize. "Lily," he started again. "You were right. I won't try to justify my actions. As soon as I realized the consequences of what I had done, I turned to Dumbledore. At great risk, I have been spying on the Dark Lord ever since. I have kept your son safe. I have done it all for you, and I only ask your forgiveness in return. My time to pass through the Veil is coming near, and I will be able to face it bravely if I know that you are waiting for me."

Lily gave him a sad smile. "Severus, because of what you've done since, I forgive you, but that does not mean I can forget that you delivered the prophesy that led to the death of my husband and me, and almost resulted in the death of my son. If it had not been us, it would have been another family you had condemned."

Crestfallen, Snape looked down. He had tried so hard to redeem himself by protecting Potter's brat.

"Severus, look at me."

Snape looked at the waning apparition, feeling as if the last hope of ever having happiness was gone.

"Your actions since turning to Professor Dumbledore have redeemed your soul. Though we won't be a couple in the afterlife, we can again be friends," she said gently. "If you are willing to accept the limits to our friendship."

Snape nodded. Though he'd hoped for more, he had always been content to have her companionship.

Lily held out an arm that was becoming transparent. "Please, Severus, would you do three things for me?"

Snape swallowed. "Anything."

"Continue to watch over my son." She smiled as she thought of how much Harry reminded her of the James she had fallen in love with.

"As long as I don't have to like him," Snape growled.

Lily laughed. "I wouldn't ask the impossible of you." She turned serious. "The second thing I'd like is for you to try your best to live past the end of the war. Don't expect to die, and thus miss a chance to live."

Snape shook his head. "If I live, it would mean one of two things. If the Dark Lord wins, living would be intolerable. If he is defeated, I will face either a lifetime sentence in Azkaban or having my soul sucked out by a Dementor. I do not want either."

"Don't be so sure of that," Lily said firmly. "When, not if, the Dark Lord is defeated, your role in the victory will eventually become known."

Snape snorted. "And then I will be targeted by every Death Eater who escapes being caught or who is paroled for good behavior."

"Then leave the country, or hide in plain sight. You're the smartest person I know. You can do it."

Sighing, the Potions Master looked at her. She was beginning to fade quickly. "What is the third thing you ask of me?"

"Severus, I know you won't forget me. But please don't let that keep you from finding that special person who will make you happy and creating a family of your own. It was only after I had Harry that I fully realized the joy that a child can bring. There is a person out there for you."

"No one can replace you, Lily," Snape protested.

"Severus, please, don't obsess over the past. Look to the future."

The Potions Master felt his heart break, but to his surprise it did not hurt as much as he thought it would. He had held onto the past for so many years. He had known deep down since he had heard the news of Lily's engagement that it was futile to dream of a future with her. For the first time since then, he thought he could imagine moving on. Not right away, but someday. If he survived.

Lily looked down at the boy, almost a man, in her arms. She was no longer solid enough to keep him up and he was beginning to drift through her to the floor. She nodded at Severus, who cancelled the Muffliato. "Harry," she said shaking him gently. "Harry, I need to go now."

Harry refused to release her. "Mum, stay here!"

"Harry, look at me." They could see through her now. "I will miss you, my love." She looked up at Severus. "You too, my friend. Thank you for the gift you gave me this night." As she began to disintegrate into mist, she called softly, "I love you Harry, as does your father."

Severus and Harry sat in silence for many long minutes. Finally, a teary eyed Harry asked in desperate hope, "Professor, can you bring her back?"

The Potions Master refused to look up. He Evanesco'd the brew in his caldron. "Not now, and never again."

"But why not?" Harry glared at him. "I'll help you! I'll become a potions master myself!"

Severus shook his head. "It requires ingredients that I no longer have, and can never attain again. Unless your dear aunt has left you any letters from Lil – your mother, ones that she addressed to you, you don't have the right ingredients either."

Harry closed his eyes in frustration and turned to leave.

"Mr. Potter." Harry stopped with his hand on the door handle. "You had an incredible opportunity tonight. Treasure it."

Harry paused. The opportunity he'd had to be held in his mother's arms had been cathartic. His resolve to defeat Voldemort was more firm than ever. "You're right, Professor. I will." A thought suddenly occurred to him. He looked back. "Professor? How did you know I was going to be here? It certainly wasn't planned."

Severus thought quickly. Perhaps if Harry believed the Potions Master had planned everything to happen the way it did, he could get the boy to listen to him when it was most needed despite any feelings of hostility. "Crookshanks is a very smart creature."

Harry nodded.

"And Mr. Potter?" Severus stood up. "Not a word of this night to anyone."

"Of course not, sir. Good night."

As he cleaned his cauldron and re-shelved the various jars of ingredients, Severus reviewed the events of the night. He'd have to do some intensive research into what was in the half-kneazle's fur that made his potion viable. Once he found out, it could open up new possibilities for other brews, keeping him busy for years. In any case, he'd bring Crookshanks some special treats in the morning - along with a bottle for fur samples.

And although his long held dream had died, at least Lily would be there to greet him as a friend when he himself passed beyond the Veil.

* * *

_All reviews appreciated!_


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